I don’t quite get the fascination with male bathroom etiquette that has attracted so many people to a post I wrote about a month ago in which I ranted about the behavior of some people I work with and how I’ve almost wound up in the stall with them because they can’t seem to shut the door behind them. (Rather than re-explain this, just go read the original post.) However, the sheer number of people who seem to need guidance on how to use the men’s room (other than the obvious performance of bodily functions) and are thus inspired to Google for tips has led me to believe that some pointers might be in order.
There are more serious subjects that I really want to be blogging about — the state of the universe, Bush in Latin America (and why the press can’t seem to say “Yucatán” properly), the latest blog crackdown in Egypt, and my basil plant is still gay.
However, this was the one that I found myself musing about on a walk back from the Dean’s office. And I’ve long ago learned to go with what I’m musing about as my topic for the day.
So, here we go:
Rules of etiquette for men’s restrooms
(I should point out that most of the below doesn’t actually apply in the men’s rooms of gyms, or gay bars or nightclubs)
- THERE IS NO TALKING IN THE MEN’S ROOM. Not on your cell phone, not to your buddy, not ever. If you have a question about the budget, whether I sent or received an e-mail, or whether or not I saw the Spurs game last night, you can catch me in the hall. Better yet, come to my office. And, for God’s sake, who wants to talk to you while you’re peeing?
- Never take the urinal next to someone else, unless it’s the only one left. Even then, no one will think you’re weird if you wait for the next available one to become available. (This rule is obviously moot if you’re cruising someone.)
- Eyes forward at all times. Keep your eyes on your prize and no one else’s. You’re not going to get a good view from that angle anyway, and everyone will notice if you try.
- Keep bathroom noises to a minimum when there’s someone else in there with you. This sentence can be read one of several ways, and it applies to all of them. Hold it in until whoever is outside leaves. And if someone happens to actually be in there with you, remember that it’s much more fun when you’re being quiet.
- Flush twice. Everyone likes a fresh bowl. You know what I’m talking about.
- Wash your hands. With soap. The next time you’re tempted to just flush and run, consider this: a recent study found that every. single. surface. that was tested the passenger cabin of an airplane had some degree of fecal matter on it.
There, wasn’t that easy? Print ‘em out for reference and take them with you, so that you can refer to them the next time you have any questions. Remember, silence and cleanliness are next to godliness, and will earn you far fewer weird looks.
Tags: bathrooms
