OK, I confess. I’ve been following the latest celebrity meltdown with the same morbid fascination as everyone else, because it’s just so fun to watch people who were touting themselves as perfect and wholesome five years ago fall afoul of the same thing they swore up and down that they’d, like, never do.
I’ll admit that I’ve never been a huge Britney fan. I don’t own any Britney albums, although I did get a moment of “the apocalypse is coming” when the pan-Arab newspaper Al-Sharq Al-Awsat ran a story about the launch party for “Oops … I Did It Again!” (which was dutifully translated as آآآآووووب …. لو فعلت ثنيه — more or less a literal translation of “Oooob, I did it a second time”)
I find this whole thing marginally fascinating because, well, Britney is making K-Fed look like a reasonable human being and a good parent, which just seems like it would be really hard to do. But she’s done it! I’m feeling sorry for him.
I mean, drugs and the like aside, can you imagine what’s going to happen when Britney’s kids ask where babies come from?
Britney’s kids: “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
Britney (holding up a copy of the National Enquirer): “Why, from right here!”
Britney’s kids (laughing): “Oh, Mommy. We know that’s where babies come out. Everyone’s seen where babies come out of you. We wanna know how we got in there in the first place.”
Britney: “Go ask your father. And tell him to stop leaving me messages asking where the child support check is! Mommy needs pills.”
Then, of course, there’s Britney’s stalker who posts videos of himself acting like a queeny bitch in her defense, but has the gall to say that, even though he posted nudie pics of himself on Manhunt when he was 17, people shouldn’t look at them because he was only 17 at the time and it counts as child pornography.
Chris Cocker, I am officially declaring your 15 minutes of fame over. Please exit the building and don’t come back. Buh-bye.
Maybe the court needs to order Britney to wear a burka for a while. No more boobie accidents, no more unexpected pudenda on the evening news. Plus, it would make it even easier to spot her when she does something stupid …
And so, on to less mundane things than the self-destruction of America’s sweetheart. I’m sure we’ll come back soon.
[...] clear about is refusing to write about Chis “Please Leave Britney Alone” in his blog. Like someone else I know, he’s officially declared Crocker’s 15 minutes of fame over.Update: TMZ has all the sleazy details [...]