“They’re ready for you.”

“Hey, thanks for coming down to meet with us.  I’m Randy, I’m the head of development.  You must be–”
“Gabriel.”
“Great!  Nice to meet you, Gabe.  Come on in and sit down.  I’ve gone over the pitch for the … I guess it’s a trilogy?”
“I’ve got some spinoff ideas, too.”
“Great … ”
“One of them involves gold tablets buried underground.”
“Well, that does sound interesting.  Now, let’s talk about this first one.  OK, we’re having a little problem understanding the connection between the main character — say his name for me?”
“God?”
“We were thinking ‘Gode.’  You’re saying it, ‘God?’”
“God.”
“God.  Good.  OK, we’re having a problem understanding the relationship between God and all of these people running around in the desert.”
“They’re his chosen people.”
“Righhhht.  Um, chosen for what, exactly?”
“To be the ones who propagate his vision.”
“OK, we’re not seeing that.”
“I’m sorry?”
“We’re not seeing that.  All he does is torture them!  OK, here–this Abraham dude?  He’s supposed to kill his kid?  Infanticide tests really low, Gabe.  I don’t think we’re going to get it through.  We think it would be better if Abraham, like, had to rescue his kid from a dragon.  Maybe while he’s suspended over lava.  We’re thinking we can get Orlando Bloom to play the kid — our designers have worked up this leather thong for him to wear.  It would totally bring in the teenage girls.  And the gays.”
“Um … ”
“Also, this Job guy?”
“It’s pronounced ‘Jobe.’”
“‘Jobe?’”
“‘Jobe.’”
“OK, you totally need to pick easier names.  Anyway, this whole subplot is just disturbing.”
“Disturbing … ”
“We love it!  We totally want to get Ralph in on set design.  He did Hostel II and Saw IV.”
“I don’t think-”
“In fact, we were wondering if we could just extract that part and make it its own movie.  We’re thinking Kiefer Sutherland as Job.”
“I don’t like his ears.”
“Yeah, well, we can CG them out.  OK, now, the sequel.  God has a son … and he lets him get killed.”
“Right.  It’s sort of a symbolic sacrifice for the redemption of mankind.”
“OK, we’re not into symbolism this week, Gabe.  Did you see the money we spent on that movie Pi?”
“About four dollars?”
“It was a little more, but exactly!  No one does symbolism, Gabe.  Let’s talk about the love interest.”
“There isn’t one.”
“Exactly!  We need one.  How about this Mary Magdalene character?  Maybe they could have a little nudge nudge wink wink before he goes off to sacrifice himself.  It would add drama.”
“I don’t know –”
“We could get Jake Gyllenehaal to play the part.  Hey, we pair him up with Penelope Cruz as the Magdalene, there’s a little smoochie smoochie–”
“I don’t think you understand the plot of this one–”
“No, I don’t understand the plot of the third one.  Seriously.  All you’re doing is taking the story and moving it to the desert.  Arabia, even.  Arabs are testing really low since 9/11, you know. But seriously — we think maybe this God character needs therapy.  He’s got a lot of anger issues.  Maybe instead of finding yet another messenger, God finds a confidant.  We could make it a buddy movie.  One of our guys suggested Javier Bardem for the prophet dude, and we could get Nicholson in for God.  God doesn’t trust him, he’s kind of xenophobic, but they learn to like each other, and God kind of lets go of some anger issues.  It’ll be sweet, and it’d wrap up the trilogy nicely.”
“…”
“Gabe, I’m telling you, this thing you’ve turned in?  No one’s going to buy it.  This is Hollywood … is that lightning?”

*CRASH*

“How was your meeting, sir?”
“I think maybe I’ll shop my idea around somewhere else.  You might want to call the fire department.  I kind of left Randy smoking in there.”
“Oh, dear.  I thought he quit.”

Tags: religion, satire