Today is Bring Your Velociraptor to Work Day!
Archive: ‘Just. Plain. Weird.’
Did you remember?
Monday, June 14th, 2010*Tin Foil Hat Not Included
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009An alien invasion of These United States is underway. Not illegal aliens–space aliens. Little green men from Reticulon Beta (actually, according to Fox Mulder, the Reticulons are gray, but that’s a quibbling detail). There may be a tool of the vanguard movement in your house right now. It may be on your bed. It may be on your sofa. It may be … too late.
What is this dastardly weapon that’s taking over America? I’ll tell you. Come a little closer.
It’s the Snuggie™. Not the Slanket, the cheap-ass knockoff that’s suddenly appearing in the SkyMall Magazine®, but the actual honest to God Snuggie.™
“But Chris,” you say, “How can a harmless blanket be the vanguard of an alien invasion?”
Think about it. Six months ago, we were all laughing at Snuggies, and pointing at the douchebags that bought them, and thinking things like this:
Now, suddenly–EVERYONE HAS ONE. They come in designer colors! They come in PET SIZES. They have appeared in the checkout line at every department store–even at my local supermarket (et tu, HEB??) They literally jump into your cart and ride home with you, so that we have now adopted what is essentially the fleece version of a hospital gown (complete with hole in the back) as our new national costume.
Why else would a fad take off so quickly? It’s like the Macarena and late 90′s boy-band wars rolled in to one massive fad, teenaged girls not required. Clearly, the only rational explanation is that at some designated hour, the blankets will come alive and kill us in our homes, thus paving the way for the invasion force to take over our bodies.
Seriously, the Taliban wishes they had this kind of access to private homes. (Actually, they probably don’t — in amongst the many things that no one’s saying about the new push to save Afghanistan from the Afghans is that the Taliban have expressed absolutely no interest whatsoever in conquering America — much like the Viet Cong never did in the 60s).
Think about it. It explains a lot. Granted, this could just be satirical rambling on my part, but maybe … well, I’m going to keep a box of tin foil handy. Just in case …
Overheard
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009I’m going to try to be a better blogger–last month was just flipping insane. I was trying to come up with a deep topic to write about, but I think I’ll start small by relating two conversations I had or overheard today, much in the vein of my new favorite guilty pleasure Texts From Last Night (aka: “I’m so glad I’m not that young and stupid anymore.”)
Conversation #1: in the kitchen at work. I am refilling my water glass from the cooler, and one of the grad students has sauntered in and is far more chatty than normal.
Me: “Well, you’re certainly in a good mood today.”
Him: “I just got laid.”
Me: “Oh?”
Him: “Yeah, at the gym.”
Me: “Okay, then.” <leaves>
It’s not that we’re strangers, or even that I don’t know that this particular student is gay (and a bit of a slut). However, he’s more of a person that I say hi to in the hallway (usually without breaking stride) and I don’t feel that our relationship is at a level where these things should be shared.
Also, I’ve seen what the floor in the gym locker room looks like, and I can only hope he has a really strong antibacterial soap. Possibly anti-microbial. In fact, I’m kind of hoping he didn’t touch anything in the kitchen.
Conversation #2: in the hallway. There are a number of students sitting outside of Professor K’s office because it’s getting close to finals time, and they clearly don’t have a firm grasp on whatever post-Zionist Israeli literature they’re supposed to be writing about in their term papers.
Student 1: “I think I’m going to take up smoking again.”
Seems to me the only appropriate thing to do with that comment is to blog about it.
Why machines won’t win … this week, anyway
Friday, May 15th, 2009I’ve previously mentioned my addiction to Web stats, so we’re not going to rehash that…
Whilst killing time, I decided to check my latest stats on Google Webmaster Tools (not to be confused with Google Analytics, which is, like, totally different). Webmaster Tools isn’t as pretty as Analytics, but there’s some good stuff in there.
Webmaster Tools is where you set up Google to crawl your site. I have long maintained that there is a reason why human editors will never be replaced by machines (anyone who’s ever tried to use Google Translate knows that), and, well, here’s why:
Here’s a quick Google-to-English translation. This Keywords function lists the “most common keywords Google found when crawling your site.”
And the keyword in the number one spot is “Volvo.”
VOLVO??
When the heck have I ever mentioned a Volvo in my blog? Out of curiosity … and because I really am trying to avoid work that much … I pulled up my blog and … well, it’s just as I suspected:
And that, children, is why Terminator and Battlestar Galactica only exist within the realm of science fiction.
Or, perhaps the Volvo corporation is hooking up with Google to insert themselves into ever Web site on Earth. And now I’m thinking that learning Swedish may be just the ticket to fooling the machines: Jag är en maskin också, kamrat.
And it’s Friday … and I want a nap in the worst way. Happy weekend, ever’body!
Reality Check
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009One of my friends on that dreaded social networking site has, of late, begun posting status updates written from the point of view of a stuffed toy. “Teddy thinks that Joanne has had a long day and deserves to veg in front of the TV!” or “Teddy is happy that all of Joanne’s prayers have been answered! Thank you, Jesus!” (Joanne’s a bit religious, you see.)
Facebook has started to lose me of late. To begin with, I do not like the fact that my intro page is now covered in the results of quizzes, gifts, Easter eggs, and other ridiculous minutiae from friends. I have one friend that clearly needs an intervention, because if I have to find out which model Stormtrooper best represents him … again … we may form our own private lynch mob. Nor do I particulalry like that my available resource is now only to block the friend from my newsfeed altogether, rather than simply electing to see less of this person or ask not to see updates generated by a particular application.
And don’t get me wrong. I have cut people out of my newsfeed entirely.
However, the introduction of the voice in the back of your head is entirely new and terrifying. I wonder what next we’re going to learn about Joanne from Teddy:
“Teddy thinks Joanne’s new haircut makes her look like a slut.”
“Teddy thinks Joanne is having a fat day.”
“Teddy bets Joanne doesn’t know that she’s got cellulite on the back of her thighs!”
“Teddy’s praying to Jesus because what Joanne and her boyfriend did last night is a big sin!”
“Joanne thinks that Teddy doesn’t know she’s got a ziploc full of weed stashed in the toilet tank, but she’s wrong!”
“It’s a good thing that Teddy can’t talk, because he would have told the police officer that Joanne’s boyfriend really didn’t tell her that he was going to visit his mother and that he’s actually providing fertilizer for the tomato plants….”
Stephen King better not steal this for his next novel.
If you’re just about Facebook-ed out, watch this:
And don’t forget to join the group “Timmy Gordon’s a Real Wet Blanket” afterward!
