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About Ramblings of a Hopeless Khowaga

Welcome to my Web site. My name is Chris, and I’ll be your host. I live in Austin, Texas, with my partner, Ray, and our child dog, Mocha. You can read more about me, learn 100 random things about me, and if you’re wondering what the heck a khowaga is, click here. Feel free to browse, read, and leave comments!

Archive: ‘Movies’



Tales of the Big Blue Dong

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Ray and I went to see Watchmen on Sunday. Apparently I’ve been living under a rock, because I wasn’t quite prepared to see Dr. Manhattan’s Big Blue Dong on the screen. I didn’t realize until afterward that the full frontal nudity has been burning up the InterWebz.

All I’m going to say is this: the thing that struck me about it wasn’t the fact that he was naked. It’s that, well, as impressive as the CGI-generated phallus is … they don’t actually hang that way in real life. I kept thinking he looked like the animated guy they put on the Voyager Spacecraft.

If you’ve seen it … I’ll bet you know exactly what I’m talking about. Gravity ain’t that powerful.

So this one time? At the movie theater?

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

I know I’m supposed to be following the national blogging trend and discussing the inauguration of Barack Obama yesterday, but I’m going to do my usual thing and instead focus on an incredibly mundane and tasteless topic.  I’ll talk about the inauguration later.

We can blame it on the jetlag.  In all seriousness, I don’t think I’ve ever had jetlag quite this bad before (I remember that it was pretty bad when I went to Saudi Arabia, but the difference there is that I was forced to keep moving so that, even if I was tired all the time, I couldn’t sit around and be mopey about it).  No matter what time I go to bed–and last night, Ray and I were both fast asleep by 9:15, an hour usually reserved for Ray ridiculing me for already being in bed (usually reading) while he exercises the Xbox–I’ve been waking up sometime between midnight and two and unable to get back to sleep.  Last night was a first in that, while this continued to be the case, I was actually able to get back to sleep, although I kept waking up every hour or so until the alarm went off.

So, here’s the tasteless topic: Ray and his friend Debbie decided over the weekend that they wanted to go see the remake of My Bloody Valentine in 3D.  (I should point out here that I haven’t seen the original and wasn’t even aware that it was a remake until we got to the theater.  I had thought that it was a reissue.)  I do enjoy the occasional horror flick–Ray and I have gotten to the point where we usually figure it out about five minutes in.

I’m going to try not to spoil anything for you, but I just need to go on record: this movie was horribly, phenomenally, unbelievably bad.  The only thing that kept us from laughing out loud at several points was the fact that it was in 3D, and, let’s face it, when people are being sliced open and you can see inside of them it’s kinda cool (when it’s obviously fake, as it was here – real blood and gushing trauma wounds make me woozy).

I think, however, that the New York Times may have summed it all up pretty well in its review:

In the way of small towns, Tom’s ex-girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King), is now married to his former best friend and current town sheriff, Axel (the singularly narcotic Kerr Smith), though her eyes still do this weird, flickery thing whenever she looks at Tom. Maybe she just needs an ophthalmologist.

Then, on Valentine’s Day, freshly pickaxed bodies sprout all over town, their hearts nestled in blood-red candy boxes. Axel suspects Tom (because he keeps furtively popping pills); Tom suspects Axel (because of his unconvincing facial hair); and Sarah suspects she needs a manicure.

There’s also a fun sequence involving no less than five minutes of a naked woman running from the killer through a parking lot.  Ray, who was sitting next to Debbie and her teenage son, felt distinctly uncomfortable during this scene — I was more amazed at the fact that she was actually naked, and the move still didn’t score an NC-17 rating.  You know perfectly well it would have been if the bits flopping around had been male.

A good chunk of the movie is set in a mine, and by the end of the film, I was kind of hoping that said mine would cave in and crush the cast, all of whom have either starred in shows on the CW (or one of its predecessor networks) or seem like they should have at one point. So, here’s a Rambling Khowaga thumbs sideways on this one.  The 3D keeps things interesting, but the movie is too long and the cast, like all CW rejects, take themselves way too seriously.

Although I am kind of curious to see the original now.  *strokes chin*

Anyway, my next post will be weighty and historic, I swear.  Almost really :D

The X-Files: One Last Ride

Saturday, July 26th, 2008

I bit the bullet and went to see the second X-Files movie today.

A bit of backstory: I used to be an X-Files fanboy (I never quite warmed to the term “X-Phile,” which is what the early fans decided to call themselves).  I was a fan from the very first season, which premiered my freshman year in college, and I distinctly recall gathering in the dorm room of the person we knew who had the largest color TV (15″!) to watch each and every Friday night.  It became a ritual, since we were all too young to drink and too snobbish to go to the bars where it didn’t matter.

The show, if you will recall, built one of the first Internet followings.  This was back in the days when getting onto the Internet involved climbing three flights of stairs in Mary Graydon Hall at American University and working your way back to a computer lab with machines so old that they clearly had been rejected by the government of Burkina Faso.  When the ancient green-and-black CRT displays kicked on, you had to choose whether you wanted to log into “Internet” or onto Bitnet.  I wonder whatever happened to Bitnet.

And, yes, I was one of the people who got the inside joke in the second season premiere, “Little Green Men,” when Scully flips through a passenger manifest looking for Mulder’s name and the other names on the list were all posters from the alt.tv.x-files newsgroup.  My name wasn’t on the list, since I was what you’d call a “lurker.”

I recall going to see the X-Files movie the night it came out (and recall trying not to be too disappointed with it).  At one point, I could explain the series’ entire mythology to you: the bees, the alien virus, the black oil, all of it.

The show lost me in its eighth and ninth seasons, however.  David Duchovny was publicy trying to exit his contract, and the show had been slated to end with season eight, but then Fox unexpectedly picked it up for a ninth season.  This is never a good sign–it didn’t go so well with Buffy, and I’m not really expecting a whole lot from Scrubs.

I watched the show’s final episode in May 2002 more out of a feeling of obligation than anything else–the world changed that final season, and stories about government consipracies just weren’t really all that entertaining anymore.  The show signed off, producer Chris Carter promised us that it would continue in movie form, and we waited.  And waited.  And waited.

I was excited after seeing the trailers for the movie.  Then the reviews started to come out and, well, they weren’t terribly good.  The New York Times review wasn’t great, and the posting on io9 was just brutal.  Hence, when Ray asked last night if I wanted to go see the movie, I declined.  (Mostly this had to do with my aversion to paying the evening price for a movie, and I was exhausted after romping around San Antonio all day).

I glanced at more reviews this morning, sighed, and then put the thought out of my mind while Ray and I met my mother for lunch.  Then, on a whim, I checked movie times, saw there was a show in half an hour at the cinema near our house, and said, “Let’s go.”

The reviews are right on one major point: The X-Files: I Want to Believe is not a summer blockbuster.  It’s like an extended version of one of the show’s non-mythological episodes (which, frankly, the reviewers should have seen coming since Chris Carter said it wouldn’t involve the mythology, and the studio gave it a small budget).

But I liked it anyway.  What the movie does do is bring the series to a conclusion that would have been impossible six years ago.  And I have to admit, I kind of think it’s a conclusion — early buzz suggests that the movie probably won’t do that well, which probably rules out a sequel.  Too bad.  I think the movie does a nice job of setting up where Scully and Mulder are now in their lives.

I walked out with the same feeling I got when we saw Serenity, the movie based on Joss Whedon’s cancelled-too-early series Firefly.  Maybe it was one long in-joke, maybe it wasn’t as action oriented as it should have been, but it did what it needed to do.  It was, in short, appropriate.  It was nice to see Scully and Mulder again.  Maybe we’ll catch them again sometime, maybe not.  After all, as the after-credits scene suggests, they’re doing just fine without us.

Mummy Minute

Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

We’re sitting here watching television — ahh, brainless television!  After an episode of The Venture Brothers (not sure I like where the new season is going – give us more Dr. Mrs. The Monarch!), Ray flipped over to the G4 Network, known best for having the sole rights to Arrested Development in syndication and endless reruns of Unbeatable Banzukai, a fairly stereotypical torturous Japanese game show.

We also caught the preview for the upcoming movie The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, which Ray immediately asked if I would want to see.

Ray and I have a bit of a Mummy history.  The original movie came out when I was in graduate school, and my friend Renee suggested that we (“we” being the two of us and our friend Andrea, who formed the movie clique in our program) go to see it.  Renee had a bit of an Ancient Egypt thing — the two of us met for the first time in a graduate seminar on the development of ancient Mesopotamian art as political propaganda (a fascinating seminar — the only 8:30 am class that I willingly bounced out of bed for, ever).

So, off we went to see The Mummy the night that it came out.  We sat through endless slides before the previews (does anyone remember the ridiculous Coke-product “race”?), previews for movies that we may or may not have seen (we saw a lot of movies, and many of them were really bad), and then the movie started.

It went something like this: the first shot in the film shows the Sphinx and pyramids.  Around them is a bustling town.  We fly through town and over the River Nile and toward the setting sun.  A caption appears: Thebes, it says.  I immediately recognized several things at once.  First off, the Sphinx and pyramids are in modern Giza, 350 miles north of ancient Thebes.  They were located in the midst of a necropolis, which was then as it is now, a city reserved for the dead and death cults somewhat away from the main population and commerce center.  Finally, the pyramids and Sphinx, along with all major Egyptian necropoles, were located on the west side of the Nile (meaning that we should have flown over the river first and then hit the town if we were going in the direction of the setting sun).

And finally, I recognized the very important fact that if I were going to enjoy this movie at all, I was going to need to turn off my brain.  And I did.  And I had fun.

Afterwards, the three of us sat in a restaurant with Renee bemoaning how bad the movie was.  “I can’t believe how bad it was,” she kept saying.

“I liked it!” I chirped.

I liked it so much I bought the DVD.  And I dragged Ray to see the sequel … which may not have been the best idea, because the sequel was really bad, and we do not speak of it.  I notice that they don’t even run it on the USA network, and these are people who consider Steven Segal movies appropriate weekend daytime viewing.

We also do not speak of The Scorpion King, which was so far afield that they didn’t market it as a Mummy Film.  It does, however, appear on the USA Network from time to time.

I notice that the gimmick of the latest installment is that they’re moving the movie to China — appropriate, given that China, along with numerous other cultures, has a history of mummies of its own.  I’m sure the China experts could go on at length about the factual inaccuracies about every movie ever set in China (Shanghai Surprise, anyone?), but since I do Egypt, I’m perfectly happy to watch the new Mummy movie.

But I’ll probably wait until it comes out on video.  I think the X-Files comes out that weekend :wink:

Oh, come on.  I could have written all about how I’m waiting for Brideshead Revisted to come out (I do love Emma Thompson), but isn’t it much more fun when I’m lowbrow??  :razz:

Geek Alert!

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

New photos from the set of the second X-Files movie inspire ridiculous amounts of glee in yours truly. I should be embarrassed … but I’m not … :grin:

 

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