I know that there are weightier things going on in the world that I should address in today’s post. My friend Michael lost one of his best friends over the weekend. Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon. The economy is in a shambles, and Da Prez continues to insist that everything is just fine.

Well, here’s the thing. I’ve given Michael my condolences already in private. I didn’t actually know Heath personally (I mean, it’s a shame he’s dead, but there’s little I can say beyond “Wow. I’m so surprised. I can’t believe he’s dead. What a shame.”). And one of the very few advantages to working in the public sector is that I have absolutely no money to put in the stock market, and my job is fairly recession-proof.

So, I’m going to talk about something of absolutely no consequence: the alternate reality portrayed upon The Travel Channel.

I’ve mentioned a few times over the past few months that money is tight after the holidays. Ray and I are saving up for the trip to Hawaii, and we just don’t have a lot of extra to spend, so the weekend (long one for me, while Ray didn’t get Monday off) was spent watching movies. The weather cooperated nicely, as it was absolutely miserable and rainy and cold, thus inspiring us to stay inside. We watched a variety of films: Waitress (I liked it, Ray didn’t), Sunshine (I didn’t like it, Ray did); and Saw III (we both found it stupid and unnecessarily nauseating). Oh, and Ray insisted on watching Van Wilder, which I won’t even address.

So, yesterday I was home on my own, and there is … and I can’t emphasize this enough … nothing on television during the daytime. On my seventy fifth consecutive run through of all of the channels we get through DirecTV, I happened to notice that The Travel Channel was broadcasting one of those “Hidden Hawaii” specials. Since my upcoming travel plans include Hawaii, I decided to watch to see just how ridiculous it was.

And it was pretty damned ridiculous. Our hostess was Samantha Brown, who is apparently incapable even of that sort of contrived Rachael Ray $40-a-day “Look what I ‘stumbled across by complete accident’ with my eighty five person production team who plans everything out six years in advance!” Samantha is bright and bubbly in a ‘flight attendant on Zoloft’ sort of way, meaning that she’s perky but makes stupid jokes that are obviously scripted.

Samantha shares with us — “just between you and me,” she giggles in a Malibu Stacey voice — that the only place she would consider staying in Waikiki is this lovely spa that — and I looked it up in a moment of sheer curiosity — only costs $500 a night, and that’s for a room that’s not half as nice as the room she claims to be staying in with a view of Diamond Head out the window.

Ray and I are staying at a “boutique” hotel. “Boutique,” for the record, is travel agent speak for “the rooms are barely big enough for the bed, let alone two grown adults with luggage.” I splurged on the bed and breakfast hotel on the Big Island (‘family’ owned, naturally).

Samantha then coos into the ear of her own private helicopter pilot because, apparently, if you don’t take a helicopter tour of Hawaii, you haven’t actually been there. Which is funny, because that’s a whole new definition of “being there” that I’m not familiar with. I would totally take a hot air balloon ride if they had them, but I think I’ll pass on the helicopter. I’ve been known to need to drug myself into oblivion on jumbo jets — I can’t imagine how I’d do on a helicopter.

Anyway. Following this special was another special in which Samantha cheerily went to Disney World and announced, “Disney’s not all about Mickey! It’s fun for adults, too,” and then went on to average about three thousand dollars a minute.

If only I had that kind of budget. *Sighs wistfully*

My dose of silliness was tampered later, though, when I watched Anthony Bourdain devour something that looked terrific, but would clearly not be good for my cholesterol …

Anyway. I hope you all had a pleasant long weekend!