Since Shin is still recovering from the end of this semester … possibly in a skin bar in Tijuana … I shall step in this week to provide commentary and enlightenment on all the things you didn’t know you saw in this week’s installment of Project Runway.
When last we left the Runway, Chris (not me) had been sent home for designing an absolutely atrocious “update” for a dated look that actually regressed the style rather than moving it forward. This is important — please hang on to this little tidbit.
As any of my fellow heaumeauxs know, this was the episode in which Jack, a.k.a., Abercrombie God With Bad Teeth, had to depart due to a staph infection. Jack is HIV+ and has been for 17 years, and although he insisted otherwise, it’s hard to imagine that his developing a skin bacterial infection had nothing to do with his immune status. We already know that Jack has recovered from the infection, as he participated in cutaway interviews in which he did not look like an escaped puppet from Willow (sorry, that’s my one and only jibe at the expense of his health). Also because he’s already posed for porn artistic nude photographs. And is dating Dale from Top Chef.
This week’s challenge, as presented by Heidi Klum flashing all 367 sparkling white teeth, is that the designers have to work with — wait for it — real sized women! The horrors! Even more horrifical to the fashion-forward designers is that all of these women used to be …[hand to forehead] I can hardly type it … fat, and have all lost an amazing amount of weight (one of them had lost nearly 150 pounds). Each woman arrives with their former favorite outfit, they’re paired with a designer, and the challenge is that the designer has to use the old outfit to create a new outfit for them.
I don’t know why it seems like it’s so hard, but every time one Project Runway that the designers have had to design for “real” models, it’s all bitching, whining, and moaning. Pocket Kevin–who, for a change, does not remind us that he’s straight this episode (I’m guessing with Jack’s health crisis they had to cut down on his comments)–is the only designer who seems genuinely elated at the challenge. Damn. In spite of his annoying tendency to remind us about his heterosexuality, I’m starting to like him.
Christian ["Harry Potter"], naturally, is totally bummed out about the challenge and immediately starts whining up a storm. Fortunately, no one actually notices because that’s all he ever does.
Steven the Over-Enunciator immediately gives up on the challenge because his material consists of a wedding dress that, he only reminds us about eight million times, is made of white polyester. A more unfair challenge on Project Runway there has never been.
Due to Jack’s departure, Chris is brought back from the dead and given another chance. It’s clear they scrambled, as he arrives late and they let him stay all night long, apparently hoping he’ll be able to “make it work” even though he’s clearly disoriented and frazzled.
Cut to the normal drama: Does Ricky cry? Check. Does Harry Potter act like he’s the shit even though he’s been up for elimination more times than we can count? Check. Does Sweet P look like she has no idea what she’s doing at any point? Check. Does Chris act all discombobulated? Check. Does Steven over enunciate while slapping together everything at the last minute even though he insists early on that “this time” he’s going to finish early? You betcha.
Cut to the runway. This week, our judges are: Bitchy orange fashion designer Michael Kors, Ice Queen Nina Garcia, and The Token Black Judge.
Michael Kors has clearly just watched Sweet Charity, because the number of times he suggests that Chris’ outfit makes his model look like a hooker from 1957 Paris is a little over the top. He clearly suffers from that same pride-of-reference thing that George Bush has. For the record, Chris’s model actually likes her outfit, and is clearly offended by Michael Kors calling her a hooker.
Bla bla bla. Even though Kevin’s outfit was stunning, the judges name Harry Potter the winner, clearly because they want to see if his head will explode. After all, he’s been so obnoxious about what hot shit he is even though he’s nearly been eliminated at least twice (in four episodes), the anthropological curiosity about what he might do having actually won a challenge is overwhelming. And the previews for next week leave little doubt that it’s going to be good for us, the viewers.
After a no-contest moment of drama in which we are made to think that they might actually send Bjork Lady home even though she has so much more silliness to offer, Steven gets the auf wiedersehen and over enunciates his way through a farewell speech and makes some sort of weird comment about seeing where life will take him.
And so, dear readers, we’ll see you on the runway. Make it work!
P.S. Shin, I really don’t think you’re in a skin bar in Tijuana. Although if you are, we want details!
P.P.S. I think that Will may have given me the best description of Christian/Harry Potter ever: that dude who looks like he had a muskrat shot out of a cannon onto the side of his head. From now on, whenever he appears on screen, think “THHHHHHHHWUMP!” 
