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About Ramblings of a Hopeless Khowaga

Welcome to my Web site. My name is Chris, and I’ll be your host. I\'m an opinionated, snarky, gay academic with a predilection for the history, the Arab world, languages, photography, food, and music. I live in Austin, Texas. You can read more about me, learn 100 random things about me, and if you’re wondering what the heck a khowaga is, click here. Feel free to browse, read, and leave comments!

Tag: ‘boys’



Hoi polloi

Monday, September 8th, 2008

It is Friday evening, and Natalie takes me to meet her friends Claudio and Fabrina, who are going to take us to see a modern dance performance.  I’m not a big fan of dance to begin with, and definitely not a fan of modern dance, but it’s an evening out.

We take a taxi to Fabrina’s office in a flat in La Condessa.  It starts to pour, and we arrive before they do.  Someone else from the theater company lets us in, and we wait for the others to arrive.  Natalie has told me about their plays–they’re modern and rather odd, and she has also told me that Claudio has a habit of appearing naked on stage in them (and told me enthusiastically that he has a body that looks rather nice on stage naked), so I am prepared to hate him on sight.

When they arrive, however, they’re quite gracious and warm.  Fabrina, who is black, from Guadeloupe, grew up in France, and has lived in Mexico for seven years, is understated elegant.  Claudio has that sort of personality that only straight boys ever seem to have–one of those personalities where he is instantly likable to anyone and everyone.  He could later turn out to be a massive jerk, and you’d still like him.

We set off for UNAM, where the performance will be.  It’s Friday night in Mexico City and it’s raining, which means that traffic is snarled, even on the dual level periferico expressway that circles the city.  Fabrina grows increasingly nervous as 8:30 — curtain — grows closer and we are stuck not moving on the flyover level of the expressway.  As we inch forward, I try to figure out what the relationship between the two is.  Natalie has told me that she’s not sure either.  After this evening, we decide that the two are former lovers.  They’re clearly comfortable with each other, but there are no signs of affection.  Everyone else in Mexico City seems to have no problem making out in public, and since these two don’t, it seems to be an indication.

Finally traffic clears enough for us to exit at Ciudad Universitaria and Claudio finds a parking space almost directly in front of the performance hall.  We take our seats just as the lights dim.

The performance … was awful.  We all agreed on this.  One of the reasons that I don’t care for modern dance is that it frequently involves “deconstruction,” and I am not familiar enough with the construction to appreciate it being undone.  In this case, there are four dancers and for the entire performance (which mercifully lasts only about forty-five minutes) no two are doing the same thing.  As someone put it later, “They vastly overestimated how interesting this was to watch.”  For me the highlight of the performance comes when Natalie elbows me to point out that Claudio has fallen asleep.

After the performance we go to dinner.  Dinner is late in Mexico, and we’re expecting not to eat before 10, but Fabrina is hungry and we’re both happy that one of the locals is pushing for an early dinner.  Apparently she’s not alone–the first place we go is full and invites us to wait at least an hour for a table.

We end up at a taco place in Col. Insurgentes that’s still hopping at 11 pm.  The tacos are freshly made, the salsas are chopped up in front of the house, and the amount of business the place does is staggaring.  We chat about random things–politics, the weather, the need for massive bribes to accomplish anything in Egypt, the awfulness of the dance performance we’ve just witnessed–and all in all, it’s a lovely evening.

Honolulu Tales

Friday, April 4th, 2008

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been two days since we got to Hawaii. We’ve spent two full days (and an abbreviated afternoon in a jet-lagged stupor) in Honolulu, and have a full day left before we fly on Saturday to Hilo, on the Big Island (Hawai’i, which usually gets spelled with the apostrophe to avoid confusion).

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I’ll avoid a recap of everything we’ve done so far. We’ve had some interesting experiences. We went to the USS Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor — yes, it’s still there, yes, it’s still a military installation. It’s interesting how places like Pearl Harbor never live up to the national mythos around them. The harbor is kind of small, and apparently rather shallow for a harbor. Also, the Arizona memorial is smaller than we thought it would be, and you can’t see very much of the sunken ship at all, which inspired grumblings from a number of our fellow tour-goers. (Well, excuse the heck out of them for not sinking the ship in a way that better befits your picture taking!)

Since we were on that side of the city, we chased down the visit to Pearl with a trip up the North Shore, where Ray and I immediately decided that we need to take up surfing because apparently the sport comes with flat abs and rippling pecs.

A note on driving on O’ahu. I hate it. Honolulu has a population of roughly 400,000 — smaller than Austin. No one here knows how to drive. I don’t say this in a “No one but me knows how to drive” sort of way. I mean it — NO ONE knows how to drive. People change lanes without signalling — or even looking to see if there’s a car in the space they want to occupy. They pull out into oncoming traffic with about the same amount of caution, and obey the speed limit (speeding is an arrestable offense in Hawaii) only when they’re in front of me, but never when they’re following.

Rush hour never seems to end — as far as I can tell, the average daytime speed limit on Interstate H-1 is 4 miles an hour. In a city this size, that’s ridiculous. I’ve suffered from traffic angst before, but driving in Honolulu may be the death of me.

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Today, it was raining, so we went up the Windward side to a Buddhist temple called Byodo-In (it’s where Sun and Jin got married on Lost), figuring that it would look pretty neat in the rain. It wasn’t disappointing, and Ray seemed rather glad that I dragged him out there. When we got back to Honolulu, the sun finally broke free so we spent an hour and a half sitting on Waikiki. Neither one of us are huge “sit on the beach” fans, especially since that planned diet-and-get-in-shape-for-Hawaii regimen never actually happened, and as I mentioned earlier, Hawaii boys cause all but the fittest and most oblivious massive bouts of self-consciousness.

This evening we went to a luau, which the anthropologist in me would have hated had I not turned him off. This is a skill I learned when I watched The Mummy and found so many factual errors in the first thirty seconds that I turned my brain off and had a great time. Also, the male hula dancers were worth looking at (although Ray swears that the event should have been named–a la Margaret Cho–”Hey, that guy’s not Hawaiian). So far as I can tell, not many people are. Everything is in two languages here — mostly the second language is Japanese, although in Wal-Mart it is, strangely enough, Spanish just like on the mainland. Whichever it is, the second language posted around town is never Hawaiian, except for the ubiquitous “Aloha” and “Mahalo”.

Tomorrow, the plan is to conquer Diamond Head and then figure out how to get all the stuff back in our suitcase before we fly to Hilo Saturday morning. I’m looking forward to Hilo — it’s small and hopefully has much less traffic!

You want me to do what *where*??

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

I was commenting to someone yesterday that my blog hasn’t been that gay of late. I’m growing to have the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually straight and just afraid to tell me. It’s OK, little blog. You can’t help it. That’s just who you are.

However, in an attempt to ram some homo action down his throat, I wanted to bring up a topic that wouldn’t disturb me nearly as much if I hadn’t seen it on two consecutive programs on television last night.

After we put up the Christmas tree, Ray and I ran through a number of the programs we have stored on the DVR (thank Bob for the writer’s strike or we’d never get caught up). We finally saw last week’s Project Runway, and I was able to finally weigh in on Shin’s recap of the episode (both of them). We watched Monday night’s Heroes (are Nikki and Monica alive? Will Nathan live? Do I care?), and then settled in to watch Kathy Griffin’s latest special, Straight to Hell.

Yes, I find Kathy Griffin funny. Shut up.

Among the many, many topics la Kathy talked about was Larry Craig and the bathroom incident, which I’m not going to even bother to find a story to link to because if you don’t know by now then you’re clearly not reading this blog. She made fun of him a little bit (which he deserves), and then started in on this bit about how she asked her gays about the toe tapping and what that was all about.

When the show was over, the TV came back on, and Lewis Black was doing a standup bit on Comedy Central about the exact same topic: Larry Craig, but more importantly, the toe tapping and its greater significance.

And I learned something I didn’t know: apparently there’s a toe tapping code that one uses if one wants to engage in hot man-on-man action in a public restroom.

Of course, like everyone else I know who’s suddenly come across this concept, I start thinking about all the times that I’ve been in public restrooms. Dear God, was I accidentally sending someone in the next booth signals? Have I ever been sent signals and didn’t know? (This wouldn’t surprise me. Just about everyone who’s ever tried to ask me out has had to beat me over the head to realize that I was being flirted with. I’m a little dense.)

And most importantly, how come I didn’t know about this? Was this something they covered in gay school? I’ll bet it was the same day as the Know Your Divas lecture, because I am horrifyingly diva free in my life. I care not for Judy, Barbra, Liza, Bette, Beyoncé, or Madonna. (I can take Madonna or leave her, but I do the same with Marianne Faithfull, who is the anti-diva, so she cancels out Madonna).

Then, of course, I get started thinking about public restrooms. For my female readers, men’s restrooms look a lot like the bathrooms at your straight single male friends apartments. Despite the amount of time boys spend playing with their genitals during and after puberty, they still can’t aim at the toilet for shit, and if they miss, they don’t tend to clean it up.

I don’t care how acrobatic and limber the boys in question are — you mess around in a public restroom and some part of you is going on the floor. In that mess. With the smells of industrial strength cleaner and the guy three stalls over who had Taco Bell for lunch. On the unsanitized seat. With someone who looks like your grandfather. Who thinks this is hot? Ew. I-don’t-think-so.

To me that sounds about as much of a turn on as doing it on the buffet table in a senior center dining room around 4 PM. Hold my teeth.

On the other hand, it is amazing what depths some people will turn to in order to live out a secret life they don’t want anyone to know about. Larry Craig must be hardcore if he can put up with all that and still get his rocks off. Which means, of course, he’s a lying hypocritical bastard, but we knew that already.

And now I know to keep my feet very very still in public restrooms.

Morning Chat

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

{utkhowaga}: Yo
{}: yes?
{utkhowaga}: do you happen to know who’s covering for Professor N while he’s out of town?
{}: hm, good question. I don’t know.
{utkhowaga}: i was afraid you was gonna say that
{}: I suppose we could ask his TA.
{utkhowaga}: ok, who’s his TA?
{}: although then we might find out his TA is covering, and that wouldn’t be good
{}: it’s ____.
{utkhowaga}: … do i know who that is?
{utkhowaga}: the only ____ i know is the other one … i think?
{}: yeah this is another ____. tall, blondish-brown hair. always a half-smirk on his face.
{utkhowaga}: hmmm
{}: he’s kind of cute, so if you’d seen him, you would know him.
{utkhowaga}: oh, wait, is the one who looks like you can see his abs through his shirt?
{}: hm, I never noticed that. but he seems fit enough. could be him
{utkhowaga}: man, if HR ever saw half of the stuff i say i’d be in so much trouble …
{}: that you would
{}: so his email is ________ if you want to ask him out, er ask him about Professor N.
{utkhowaga}: oh, you’re a funny funny woman.
{}: I try :mrgreen:

Pointless Ratings Boost

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

Yes, I am posting pictures of a hot shirtless boy to boost traffic. Shoot me. :mrgreen:

 

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