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About Ramblings of a Hopeless Khowaga

Welcome to my Web site. My name is Chris, and I’ll be your host. I live in Austin, Texas, with my partner, Ray, and our child dog, Mocha. You can read more about me, learn 100 random things about me, and if you’re wondering what the heck a khowaga is, click here. Feel free to browse, read, and leave comments!

Tag: ‘hollywood’



Confessions of an Arabic Learner

Friday, December 11th, 2009

The other day whilst trying to set up an appointment to discuss a project with our associate chair, she mentioned casually that she couldn’t meet one afternoon because she was supposed to be on Wisconsin Public Radio.

“Really?  Why?”
“I’m … not actually sure,” she said.  “They want to talk about learning Arabic?”

Well, the interview is now online, and it’s quite the doozy.  For those not inclined to listen to the whole 54 minutes, the first five will do it — it’s long enough to establish the following:

  1. The woman doing the interview is a complete idiot.
  2. The woman doing the interview did absolutely no research on how to pronounce the name of the book that she’s supposedly basing the entire interview around (“Al-Kitaab fi ta’alum al-’arabiyya” — she shortens it to “Al-Kitaab,” which means “the book” and would be pronounced as a mashup of the two common English words “kit” and “tab” as they are pronounced by Americans.  Not only can she not do this, she actually changes the way she pronounces it over the course of the hour several times).
  3. The woman doing the interview clearly did not ask one of her interviewees, Mahmoud al-Batal, how to pronounce his name, as she consistently pronounces it wrong (and, again, her pronunciation changes over the course of the hour) — which, I’m sorry, is a horribly egregious error.  I’ve had people make sure they’re pronouncing MY name correctly before, and my name is pretty damned easy.
  4. The goal of the interview is to make learning Arabic sound as difficult as humanly possible.  Whether this was the stated goal or not, I don’t know, but I was alternately amused and astonished by her inability to move beyond the fact that Arabic is read and written from right-to-left (and also to find out exactly why this is — including, if possible, assigning personal blame for it).

My favorite part of the hour is that you can practically hear the two interviewees looking at each other and trying to nonverbally work out how to respond without calling the interviewer a complete moron.

Anyway, for those who are so inclined, here are some reflections about learning Arabic that I’d like to share.  This is based not only on my knee jerk reaction to this interview, but from the 16 years of experience I’ve had being a white guy learning and speaking Arabic and responding to  questions from those who do not.

Things that are not actually difficult about learning Arabic as a foreign language.

1. The alphabet (more correctly in this case, it’s an abjad).  Arabic has an actual alphabet.  Each letter stands for a specific consonant sound.  It’s not written in characters.  Once you learn the alphabet–which took about three weeks when I started, but that’s because Arabic 101 only met twice a week–it’s a non-issue, and you don’t have to revisit it ever again unless you decide to take up a language that uses the same alphabet but has more letters (Persian, Urdu, and Malaysian, for example), in which case you’ll have to learn the new letters.  It’s really not that hard.

2. Arabic is always written in cursive — even when it’s printed or typed.  It was bewildering the first time that my Arabic instructor, having taught us the letters a, l, k, t, and b (ا ل ك ت ب) put them all together to form “alktab” (al-kitaab, الكتاب), “the book”.  You stare at it for about 10 seconds, and then it clicks.  By the end of the first class of 101, this is not an issue anymore.  I’ve done this with 6th graders.  They can get it.  It’s really not that hard.

Explaining this to Hollywood, on the other hand, is another story.  I’ve lost count of the number of times that I’ve seen Arabic text in the background that doesn’t connect — which, frankly, renders the text unreadable.  Most recently, some characters on the show “FlashForward” traveled to Hong Kong looking for Shohreh Aghdashloo (who must be desperate for work), and stopped by an Iranian restaurant she was known to frequent.  The restaurant’s sign was in English and Persian (written with the Arabic alphabet) … and the Persian letters didn’t connect.

I also once saw improperly formed Arabic tatooed on a guy in a Sean Cody video.  Poor guy.

3. Sounds that aren’t in English. Once you learn how to say them properly, you get over it.  However, contrary to popular belief, there are actually four H sounds in Arabic, and only one of them sounds like forming a spit ball.  The alphabet is fully phonetic — every letter has one sound.  And it’s always the same sound.  Unlike English.  Contemplate, if you will, the utter uselessness of the letters c and x sometime — both simply replicate sounds produced by other letters — x has no unique functions (it can be represented as “eks”), and c’s only unique function is in the syllable “ch” as in “choose”.  K and q aren’t as differentiated as they ought to be — as in, for example, the Arabic ك  and ق

4. Reading and writing from right to left. Although our interviewer gets hung up on this, it’s probably the biggest non-issue of them all.  It just is.

5. The lack of a “be” verb. There is no verb “to be” in Arabic (it’s a Semitic language quirk — there isn’t one in Hebrew, either).  “be” is implied.  To say you’re a student, you say, انا طالب, which is literally “I student.”  The “am” is implied.

Things that are more difficult about learning Arabic as a foreign language.

1. The non-writing of vowels. Like every other Semitic language out there (except, apparently, Amharic, which at some point gave in), along with a number of other languages that use abjads, vowels — specifically short vowels — are not written.  Normally this isn’t such a problem, however, to continue with our example, let’s look at ktb — كتب.  It could be “kutub” (books), it could be “kataba” (he wrote), or it could be “kutiba” (it was written).  You have to figure it out from context, which is a bit of an advanced skill.

2. The lack of cognates with English. The running joke when learning Spanish is that you can add “o” to the end of an English word and make it a Spanish word.  It’s usually not true, but it’s based on the number of cognates between the two languages — words that are similar enough in form and meaning that speakers of one can understand the other.  In Arabic, however, you can’t add “al-” to the front of an English word and make it correct — it’s kind of a crutch that the non-fluent but advanced speakers can use when speaking to a bilingual crowd so as not to break stride — I’ve thrown English words in when I don’t know the Arabic ones — but it doesn’t work in casual conversation.  The only cognates you’re likely to find are ones that were English to begin with: al-internet.  al-kumbyootir.  ad-dimuqraasiya. at-tiknuluujiya.

3. The lack of a “be” verb.  Where the lack of the be verb gets tricky is in the way the language has compensated for it — while there is not a verb for “to be,” there IS what my first Arabic instructor went to very great pains to make sure that we all understood was definitely NOT a verb for “to not be.”  Similarly, there is a not-verb for “to have been.”  Never mind that both look, smell, sound, and function like verbs in every other way, except, of course, for the fact that they’re not verbs.  Dammit.

4. There are no irregular verbs in Arabic. There are 500 regular verbal patterns, 495 of which only apply to one verb each.

5. Broken plurals. Similarly, there are lots of patterns for pluralizing words … and many of them are really irregular.  Grad students like to sit around and make up broken plurals for English to amuse themselves, which is how we decided a few years ago that the plural of “Bi-otch” is “Bowatchaa’”

6. Diglossia.  This is probably the biggest challenge for the learner of Arabic as a foreign language.  “Arabic” — the language that is taught in a classroom, is often Modern Standard Arabic, a constructed high language based on the language of the Qur’an (but not necessarily mutually intelligible with it).  It is grammatically rigid, nuanced, and eloquent.  It is not, however, what people speak in their daily lives.  Countries, regions, cities all have their own dialects that are based on MSA, but have been influenced over the centuries by other factors.

The Egyptian dialect–the one I’m the most familiar with–contains both words of Turkish origin (from the four centuries of Ottoman rule) as well as words of Coptic origin (Coptic is the language of the Egyptian Christian church, and is descended from the ancient Egyptian language).  In fact, I have a book on my shelf that outlines the number of words in Egyptian Arabic that can be traced back to the days of the pharaohs.  The Moroccan dialect, by contrast, contains a lot of words that haven’t been used since the medieval period in other parts of the Arab world, as well as a lot of Berber and French.

When I first arrived in Egypt as an undergrad, I had two years of Modern Standard under my belt and found myself unable to communicate with another living soul.  Those who could speak Modern Standard usually tired of hearing me struggle and would switch to English, which they usually spoke better than I could speak Arabic.

New textbooks now introduce dialect early on — as well they should.  I couldn’t even agree with people — I’d been taught to use the formal na’am, while most people in the eastern Mediterranean actually say aywa.

A few thoughts to throw out there — Arabic is definitely a challenging language, but the things that most people get hung up on aren’t even an issue.  Get over the squiggly letters and the right-to-left, oh interviewers of the world!

And, for God’s sake, quite trying to figure out whose fault it is … yeesh.

Law of Diminishing Returns

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Sitting in the alleged “dining area” at the Hollywood/Fort Lauderdale International Airport.  We left Austin this morning, and will, JetBlue willing, be in San Juan, Puerto Rico, this evening.

I had to take a moment to record for posterity just how bad the “dining options” [sic] here are.  $11.86 bought me a small salad and a bottle of soda.

There’s free Internet, tho.  This doesn’t quite make up for it.  You can’t eat the Internet.

I think somewhere, there’s a law of diminishing returns on price vs. quality of airport food … and I think FLL has surpassed it.

12 of 12: July 2008

Saturday, July 12th, 2008

It’s time for 12 of 12 again!

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We’re having a fire ant problem in the house – they’re all over the kitchen and eating the bait right and left … and leaving crumbs in it, too.  Ugh.  They were all over the sofa when I sat down this morning – that was new, and I flipped out and went out to get the big guns:

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So, first thing this morning I spread out the fire ant treatment.  This afternoon, I found them in the dishwasher.  The dishwasher!

To borrow a line from a recent Hollywood B-movie, I’ve had it with these mother$*&#ing ants in my mother$*&#ing house!

Mocha

Mocha, as you can see, is significantly less interested in the ant problem.

Mocha and her Monkey

And here she takes a nap with her stuffed monkey.

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Ray and I got out of the house to go meet our friend Michael.

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We met up at Chuy’s, a local Tex-Mex restaurant best known for its jalapeno ranch dip (oh, and the time they busted Jenna Bush for underage drinking).

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After that, the three of us went to the movies – we went to see the new version of Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D.

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For the record, the 3D is an extra $3.  I kind of agree with the New York Times about the movie: if it weren’t for the 3D, it would have been pretty bad.  So make sure that if you do go, you see it in 3D.  You get to keep the damned glasses, at least.  That almost (OK, not really) makes up for the ticket price.

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Back home, Mocha is agitating for a walk.  However, she had to wait because it’s flipping hot in Texas these days – we hit 99 degrees today (37 C).

For dinner, Ray and I went to a local Pho place that we like.  Ray attempted to emulate the pose of … well, here’s Ray:

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and here (this isn’t one of the 12) is the owner of a restaurant in Monterrey, Mexico, called “El Rey del Cabrito” who looks just a little too excited about the food his restaurant serves:

Menu

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Pho rocks.  heh.

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OK, so this might seriously be the most Texas photo I’ve ever taken.  Dairy Queen on a Saturday night.

Ray didn’t have to convince me very hard to swing by to pick up the “Blizzard of the Month” because this month it features Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies.  Thin Mints are my weakness, they’re the thing that I have those stories about?  You know, the ones that start, “This one time when I was in college, I ate a whole box of Thin Mints … “

I ordered a small.  And it was goood…

Happy 12th, everyone!  Hey, take my if you haven’t done so already!

CGI Skin Flix

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

I’ve had a drink or two and have started recovering from the horrors of my day, and realize that I actually did have stuff I was planning to talk about in a blog post.

On Friday night, Natalie and her sister joined Ray and I for Beowulf, the CGI-animated epic based on the Old English epic. At best, the film was OK — it not something I’ll be owning when it’s released on video.

The film makes no secret of its desire to see the leads be as physically perfect as possible. This is, apparently, the new way to keep fit and firm in Hollywood: just have the production company CGI your abs in for you. Even at the end of the film when he’s reached an advanced age, Beowulf is quite the hunkalicious babe (at least from the neck down).

Beowulf

Many of my fellow heaumeauxs were eagerly looking forward to the Beowulf-fights-Grendel-in-the-buff scene. As I mentioned in a comment on Shin’s blog last month, the filmmakers played no small part in trumping up this scene by making references to the legendary schlong resembling a baby’s arm holding an apple.

Feeling that they couldn’t possibly do Beowulf’s legendary member (who knew?) justice by sizing it down from, say, Adult Video Award trophy proportions–or deal with the wrath of the MPAA–they elected instead to produce the best exercise in comedic object placement since Austin Powers … or maybe The Simpsons. Unfortunately, the scene pretty much caused the entire audience-gay and straight alike-to crane for a view behind chains, elbows, arms, cutlery, etc. Frankly, after the (seemingly unintentional) comedy wore off, it was distracting and tiring. I found myself wishing they’d just show us Beowulf’s dick so that we could move past the “will we or won’t we get to see it?” phase and re-focus on the scene.

Naturally, Angelina Jolie’s computer generated avatar–Grendel’s mother–does not have the strategic object placement, because the film was made by straight men.

The other thing about the movie that really irritated me was a plot twist that I won’t reveal here, just in case you intend to see the film. If you do, you’ll know it when you see it. You’ll find yourself thinking, “Wait, was this in the original story?” and the answer is a resounding NO. I was actually surprised to find myself upset about it, but I wasn’t the only one in our quartet who noticed and was bothered by it (in fact, I think we all brought it up afterwards). It was kind of like shooting a film entitled William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, and then deciding instead to have Romeo shack up with Juliet’s sister at the end instead. It was that bad. If they planned to derail the story, they didn’t need to name it Beowulf. I think that the tale stands well enough on its own without manipulation, but what the heck do I know?

Anyone else want to weigh in? I’m curious to hear whether anyone else had a strong reaction one way or the other…

Saving Grace

Sunday, August 26th, 2007

Isn’t it amazing how Oklahoma City in absolutely no way resembles southern California?

 

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