One of my friends on that dreaded social networking site has, of late, begun posting status updates written from the point of view of a stuffed toy. “Teddy thinks that Joanne has had a long day and deserves to veg in front of the TV!” or “Teddy is happy that all of Joanne’s prayers have been answered! Thank you, Jesus!” (Joanne’s a bit religious, you see.)
Facebook has started to lose me of late. To begin with, I do not like the fact that my intro page is now covered in the results of quizzes, gifts, Easter eggs, and other ridiculous minutiae from friends. I have one friend that clearly needs an intervention, because if I have to find out which model Stormtrooper best represents him … again … we may form our own private lynch mob. Nor do I particulalry like that my available resource is now only to block the friend from my newsfeed altogether, rather than simply electing to see less of this person or ask not to see updates generated by a particular application.
And don’t get me wrong. I have cut people out of my newsfeed entirely.
However, the introduction of the voice in the back of your head is entirely new and terrifying. I wonder what next we’re going to learn about Joanne from Teddy:
“Teddy thinks Joanne’s new haircut makes her look like a slut.”
“Teddy thinks Joanne is having a fat day.”
“Teddy bets Joanne doesn’t know that she’s got cellulite on the back of her thighs!”
“Teddy’s praying to Jesus because what Joanne and her boyfriend did last night is a big sin!”
“Joanne thinks that Teddy doesn’t know she’s got a ziploc full of weed stashed in the toilet tank, but she’s wrong!”
“It’s a good thing that Teddy can’t talk, because he would have told the police officer that Joanne’s boyfriend really didn’t tell her that he was going to visit his mother and that he’s actually providing fertilizer for the tomato plants….”
Stephen King better not steal this for his next novel.
If you’re just about Facebook-ed out, watch this:
And don’t forget to join the group “Timmy Gordon’s a Real Wet Blanket” afterward!
